Dancing bears/Painted wings/Things I almost remember,/And a song someone sings/once upon a December …
I wish for a white December. From all the months of the year, December is for me the most magical, the most holly, the most sacred. If snowflakes could accomplish me a wish, I would catch one and whisper to it: I wish for my December ...
I tightly close my eyes and when I open them again, I am in my mountain house. Outside everything is white and I am looking at the fireplace. In this month, I am running on the hills, building snowmen, fortresses, playing with my dogs and my friends. I am dancing on the ice, faster, and faster and faster and when I am too tired, I lay in the snow, looking at the sky. December nights … I like to lay down on the snow, looking at the stairs from the above, and at the stairs around me … there is peace, silence, beauty and a warmth coldness. Yes, you see, I miss warmth ...
“Someone holds me safe and warm”… there is a Christmas, there is a New Eve … and here things stay a little bit different than in my city … no one is busy with cooking, shopping or cleaning, no one “respects the tradition” and forgets the people around him/her. I am looking at the gorgeous Christmas-tree, too excited to open the gifts because I already know what Santa brought me, because I know these things shall be present ONLY here, in my December …
I wish for Peace. And all that I must do is to take the green box and open it up. I wish for Silence. Not the Silence that kills, but the Silence that hugs, that gives warmth, which brings everlasting Peace. I wish for Warmth. Gentle, like a kiss on the forehead. I wish for Forgiveness, towards me, towards all of you. I wish for Snowflakes all this month. All my life I have been looking for these things, all my life I have been demanding them, and now, under a Christmas tree, they lay in boxes, waiting for me to open … cleaning up the pain, charging me with Hope …
But you see, before I can feel them, I again close my eyes and see that the tiny snowflake that I caught has melted away. I am alone, somewhere at the middle of a frozen water, and the snow hits me strongly. I take off my pagan human being-clothes and my naked soul kneels down. The coldness hits me strongly, rushing through my veins, whispering in my ears … You already knew that. You already felt it last year. You are the fool that dared to believe … I wish for this voice to shut up. I wish for human beings to be here. I wish I were God just once and turn back the time. And IT HURTS so much that I'm starting to cry. On a frozen water, full of snow ... December. Full of snow, of thoughts and memories, where things remain the same. You never receive anything, you must give up your foolish dreams ... December that cuts into wounds, December that is the same with one last December, December that is the opposite of my December, December that I want to go away.
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