Smoke and Mirrors

I danced a tango with my hybris. We danced together on an empty floor, going to and fro, up and down, listening to the music of the war inside myself. And none of us has fallen, and none of us has given up …

Give me back my Innocence cos I wish to dream again

Like I never outgrew my old playground

Where the sun sets slowly with a golden crown and the leaves sing lullabies 'round vacant swings

Give me those wings

 

Let me fly once again

Like I did way back when

I would gamble and win

To lift me high above the din

Of the Future we see

Does it hold something for me?

Does it? I was dancing for my Future. And for Illusions. I was challenging my hybris. I was challenging myself. And I was challenging pain. Calling it back, proving that this time I am the one who leads. One step, two steps, three steps. To and fro, up and down. And in my dance and in my fight, I rejected yesterday’s vulnerability. I am naked of dreams and my wings are broken. But I still dance on that empty floor, challenging. Everything. Too thirsty of Life, of Real, of Everything. 

I needed once to be human. But I wasn’t allowed. Because Silence met me on the halfway. Present here, present there.  And in the darkness of yesterday, lying on the bottom of the sea, you lift yourself up and you start swimming. Until you arrive on the dance-floor, and you get up from your knees. Starting to dance again.

Now you feel the ground beneath your feet, you feel your own steps. And you go ahead, closing your eyes in front of Fear. Fear of Life, fear of Rejection, fear of Yourself, although you know they are so near you, taking your hands in this dance. Steps going up and down, steps to and fro …. Until you hear it again, coming with a warning that you bury inside of you, deep, in your heart ... You know that this time you were the one who was calling it, who was testing it, who was rejecting it. But you simply wanted to know if it was so real as your memory pretended to be. And in that moment your steps become heavier and Fear takes control. For one moment you want to give up, because you have obtained what you wanted, you already defeated Tiredness and Energy took control, but in front of pain, everything dies. And dying changes everything. But this time it is a human pain, a gentle pain, smooth under your skin, here only to remember you of the existence of clocks, and the other one, who had violated you, hitting you so strong and out of the blue that you had to fall on your knees. “Do you remember all that you write in "God-games"?

“Tick-tock, tick-tock. Here I am. You played too much, you said too many times “NO”, you killed too many feelings, you wanted too much, you believed too much. In humanity, in Good, in Life. Tick-tock, tick-tock – FEEL it now, FEEL it in you, FEEL it deep, under your skin. Tick-tock. Hear it; is it hurting? Step on time, step on memories, step on every tick and tock that you didn’t listen. Breathe … why don’t you breathe now? Why don’t you dance now? Cause in all your games, you forgot one thing: ME.”

But I am dancing now, dear God. With all that Silence, with all that Fear, with my Disobeying, with my own hybris. And the only prayer that I should have said back then was Paler’s player: “God, protect me from myself!”

Clocks inside of you, heavily stepping in fear, remembering the reason of this Tiredness, calling back vulnerability and fragility. For a moment you want to stop, to give up, but arms in which you wanted to jump, to feel the warmth of humanity, call you back … and now strength is the one who leads the dance, on the iced dance-floor, because now you have got your answer.

No more vulnerability. No more fragility. No more kneeling.

Because you have danced with your hybris, and both of you are still dancing …