Why bleeding is breathing?
I wish I could take a pencil and draw my own world. On a green field, now full of tulips, and take all the good things from my life and put them there: a good book, a green bench, also roses, of course, a good friend, a long walk, a sweet dog, a blue sky, a gentle wind, lot of ice-cream, and my bag full of Memories …
God, how I miss writing! Real writing, where I play with words and colors and my feelings and I feel so deep inside that I am me …
I miss good books. I miss summer holidays, where I could stay on a green field, reading a good book, thinking. I miss good people. I miss walks on a green park and I miss listening good old teachers. I miss my power. Yes, guess I am missing myself.
I see yesterday and my dreams. The world is now full of Superficiality, of Nothingness, of Hypocrisy, of bad books. I am learned to give up goals and to hug Superficiality, to stop involving so much. In books, in people, in memories. I used to believe … in something.
But you see, even here, on this Tree, I feel the taste of water in my mouth. There are times when we stop, when we draw lines and analyze our lives. What have I done till now? If I am here, how my Future will look? Can I do it? Do I want a Future that is different from my vision, do I like this life that is said to be mine, do I deserve these feelings, who is here, who is not? Why aren’t they here? Faults. And they are mine. Tiredness swallowed by angriness, enclosed in that little thing called Life. Yes, I remember those thoughts and my struggle to escape those waves. I remember voices who were telling me that this was my fight and I had to decide alone. The only thing they didn’t know was that I have never known how to swim, the only thing I didn’t tell was that Memories have always been here and that this water is a fall in an old-forgotten Memory.
I touched the bottom of the sea, and I retreat from the world that I now have it in my hands. I learned to breathe in water and I let that other part of me took control. Frozen it. Lift me up in ice. And I did it. And I learned my lessons, but I am still in this Tiredness, because although I want it or not, I am a human being.
LIFE. Life has taught me that 1+1=2. I said 1+1=3. Even 4 or 5. Life has taught me that People are here to go away and Loneliness will always be here. To catch me, to heal me, to hug me, to love me, to accept me. This is the only thing that you can get. Life has taught me that Hell is a place on Earth. And even so, Heaven is also a place on Earth … who you are? What you want? Life has taught me to fight for Dreams, because it is only I who can destroy them or give them the cloth of Reality. Illusions vs. Real. What is Real, what is Illusion?
Life has taught me to be happy for every new day, for every new memory. It has also taught me that things can end when I least expect it. So take your own moments and live them, be you. I become colder and stronger, although the Human is exhausted and It is sleeping. Or at least tries to. I become a fighter and I criticize everything. People – main target. I have always searched for humans who read and have ambitions. What is a person without ambitions? Be a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor, make a difference, live your life, but have an ambition for yourself, for the Future. Because it is the only way you can respect yourself. I cannot waste time with people who have a blank page instead of a Dream. Because to tell you a secret, Life is too damn short, and I involve too much. In work, in relations. The World is black and white, full of Superficiality, full of Hypocrisy, full of narrow-minds. I decide to create and draw my own world here. And I am so proud of the people that I have chosen to be here, in my soul …
You see, something happened today. I was walking home, and I was tired. As tired as yesterday, when I didn’t see anything in front of my eyes, when I couldn’t smile. And in this Tiredness, a dog stopped in front of me and it was looking at me with that lovely eyes. I pet him and then it jumped in my arms. I pet it again, letting its head on my arms. When I let it down, it jumped and it started to run so happily … jumping once in the air. And I started laughing, although the street was empty. Yes, this is the reason why I help or I am here for friends. In a sunny day or in storm day, in the days when I cannot help myself, in the days when I go away … Because making them happy makes me smile, although I am floating in Tiredness, although I am so fucking scared of being unable to do anything anymore, of my future, of my power. Yes, this is the reason why 1+1 =3 for me.
People are also good. Life is a bitch most of the times. People don’t see us, aren’t here when we need them, don’t appreciate, don’t see their own lives. And this is sad for them. But there are also important people, extremely rare, indeed, that make all the difference and you just hope that for these people, for having them here, and for letting them REALLY know you, you shall have the day of tomorrow in front of you.
Yes. I just want to rest now. On a green field, having a blue or grey sky above myself. Let it rain. Let it be sunny. I miss many things. I am too tired now. I want good things now. I have drawn lines and I have arrived to a conclusion. Cannot change myself, cannot live without dreams, don’t want to live if I have to be superficial. I have asked myself many questions and I have given most of the answers. I let that globe called World fall. I cannot be part of It if it has so many bad things. This is why I have decided to create my own world, in the middle of this one. For all the people, I advise to ask themselves the following question:
How much do you belong to your own life?
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