Trauma and Attachment

There are times when things can get too much, and everyone and everything hit too damn hard.  And you use all your patience, and empathy, and will to survive, but sometimes, there are days when your own psyche just collapses, and you desperately try searching for help.

This book has been like a breath of fresh air and sometimes an eye-opener. Everything is rooted in childhood, and in some cases, even what happens when we are in our mom’s womb can have an impact on how our brain works. We have our brains wired from the beginning and in the early years, and how others respond (or not) is how we will be, and sometimes we are not even aware of our fight, flight or freeze responses in our everyday lives. However, psychology goes beyond science, and different patterns can mould different personalities. Thus, ironically the same traumatic event can create a narcissistic personality or an empathic, overprotective one. I really enjoyed reading about the connection between memory and language, and how they inter-develop at the same time, the importance of attunement (“we are ‘in tune’ with someone else, enough that we see their need and care enough about them to meet that need) and how independence, developed too early in a child, can lead to issues related to control, lack of empathy and of attachment, and the inability to see the importance of interdependence.

Secondly, parentification means not only taking care of one’s siblings or assuming grown-up roles in childhood but also being a parent for your own at that certain age, which may lead to the development of strong parental instincts and overprotecting the people around you.

Last, but not least, violence (physical, emotional, verbal) is not the answer, and it is definitely not an adult response. Children have the right to be violent due to the environment in which they were raised, and it is our responsibility as adults to heal them. But in adulthood, physical/emotional violence, although a response to our past, is just not right. 

Independence-interdependece and the development of empathy: “Henry’s story reflects a movement that began in the 1970s, known as the ‘Me decade’, during which people began pursuing their own wants and needs. Tom Wolfe (1976) described this new attitude in his essay “The ‘Me’ Decade and the Third Great Awakening”. It was during this ‘Me decade’ that people began seeking more independece instead of finding a balance of interdependence. They began to meet their own needs instead of depending on others to do so. Over the decades, this movement toward fierce independence has resulted in a lack of attachment in society as people have increasingly shunned the vulnerability that comes with expressing their needs. However, vulnerability is the foundation of attachment. Vulnerability involves having the emotional opennes and willingness to admit that someone cannot do everything for themselves and then allowing someone else to meet their needs.” […] “children who lack attachment-based relationship will develop into adults who struggle to recognise and understand the emotions of others.”

“Knowing how to apologise is not a skill we are born with, and just like emotion regulation skills, children can only learn this relationship skill if someone models it for them and prompts them to apologise at the correct times.”

Respect: “You exhibit respect for others by allowing them to share their thoughts and feelings, by validating their feelings, and by offering support when necessary. Speaking with respect also involves being mindful of your tone of voice and body language. Think about how you compose yourself when you interact with others. Do you keep your voice calm, use a soft speaking volume, and use respectful language? When you have a disagreement, do you express your thoughts and feelings without becoming upset, or do you call people names?”

“If the mind is like a recorder, then emotional abuse is like a song that plays in a feedback loop over and over again through the years.”

“For an adult who did not have their needs met in childhood as a result of neglect, the same principles apply. That adult may have mastered using manipulation and attention-seeking behaviors over the decades to meet their own needs, leading to a diagnosis of a personality disorder. For example, someone with borderline personality disorder may not have their needs for attention or love met as a child, causing them to rely on manipulative tactics to get their emotional needs met in adulthood. Similarly, someone with histrionic personality disorder may exhibit overly dramatic behaviour (no matter how dysfunctional it may be) in an attempt to meet their needs for attention. Or someone with antisocial personality disorder, who grew up in a disconnected family where their rights were not regarded, may now attempt to independently meet their own needs at the cost of others. Finally, someone with narcissistic personality disorder may have grown up in an emotionally invalidating family where empathy was not modeled or taught, leading them to have difficulties valuing and respecting others.”

Parentification/overprotection: “When this parentification progresses into adulthood, the individual may become codependent and look for others to take care of because that experience has been normalized. It is what they are familiar with and what feels most comfortable in relationships. In turn, they may become caretakers and sacrifice their own needs in order to meet the needs of others. To them, it feels unnatural to have another person focus on their needs and take care of them, which can impact their ability to build attunement, trust, and attachment in adult relationships. The healthy give-and-take behaviours that characterize normal relationships become a source of distress.”