Dawns of Hope

Last year I learnt to accept Faith. I have seen every piece of ray slowly sunsetting inside myself and Hope was killed inside of my soul.  I do not believe in anything.” Loneliness will always be here for me” – I knelt in front of it. “The I that you hide and saved you so many times, behind all the masks that you have will never be able to save you, because although you feel its force, you find it unreal.” I also knelt here, silently accepting. I died, this is what happened last year, this is why I can’t find anything good in that period, that’s why I found it funny to hear that while I was dying, hope, life, strength was receiving a shape in someone else’s life. But at the same time it was a warmth feeling, full of joy inside myself: this is what I wanted, this is what I protected. You were mourning yourself, while you were greeting the morning of joy in another dear life.

Slowly, I accepted everything. I retake my old masks – from the social one to the innocent one – and I accepted a future that is similar to my present, without a change. I felt angriness, bitterness, a part of myself was screaming and hitting the other part, but nothing react. Dreams are over. And then I got sad and fall into a sea of apathy: I am unable to believe, to hope, to dream. Let’s fool the others that we are moving, that we’re ok, let’s just smile and make them believe your walls are melting. They are not, because they are bigger, stronger, with new masks that are playing in front of them; the only difference is that another person is now inside of them, closed inside, near the heart, protected by a new orange wall. But inside of me, Silence has fallen, swallowing Faith, neglecting the waves, accepting the years.

You tried to wake me before. You kept on talking, kept on remembering me who I was, pushing me in front of the abyss."MOVE" you scream. “I can’t”, I kept on saying. Today you made my heart run so damn fast! You knew what is hurting me, you knew I couldn’t stand it, you knew my grief. But you kept on playing, like I was playing before… I guess we need to face pain in order to breathe again, to feel it again, to remember, to accept it ... And in those movements, from pain to sadness, from memories to present, suddenly a new voice hits you, united with the other one, making your heart running inside yourself, so fast that you feel the blood rushing inside yourself, hitting your veins, your walls and your pain. You felt a joy so huge, so real, so near your soul that you were afraid.

“You are so crazy! Because you always swim against the wave.” Do you know that I forgot that? With beats of heart you feel hope again. You turn to the other side, getting up from your battle-field. You see the other I, the hidden one, that smiles at you, that waits. I learnt to obey last year. Now I remember how to disobey. I learnt to accept the Silence of defeats. Now I hear the Silence of Hope, of Joy, of marching on. I learnt to kneel and accept everything, to shut up when something is not ok nor fair, to stop telling what it hurts and where. I remember now tears, pain, screams, never kneeling down.

I am afraid of what I feel, new walls in my maze of walls are trembling of joy and fear, not knowing if they should let hope once again into their lives. A life without hope is like a marriage of life with death. I smile, remembering the beats, the joy, the reborn, the strength, the dreams, the I. I am afraid to hope, to look at the dawns of hope. But I write the portrait of today's feelings: I want so much to trust you! And although my mind is telling me not to hope too much, I can't stop what my heart is feeling, I can't stop the joy, the fever, the life inside myself. So I paint with words today's hope because you see … tomorrow it is possible that everything may be gone.