At
the end of 2023, I feel defeated on all the levels, but somehow, I feel freedom at the
same time. I don’t know if it’s numbness or a kind of awakening, or
perhaps just simple acceptance when you feel, as a song that I keep
listening to these days, “all out of fight”, and I stopped struggling, or trying
to find reasons why.
At the end of 2023, I am with my
eyes wide open. Yes, I do sometimes cry for all the dreams deferred. For the
Sanctuaries that came up to be other prisons, for trying to find home in places
where I shouldn’t have searched for this, for all the things that I postponed
and now it’s too late for them. For all the words that I didn’t dare to say when
I should have.
At the end of 2023, I feel that I
have lived half of my life, and now I have to look straight into the eyes of the
other one. Somehow, perhaps that is why I feel it like a new beginning, leaving
behind the youth, the one who dared to hope, and all the mistakes that I did.
At the end of 2023, maybe the most
important part, I came to accept my own loneliness. You see, I had a design, and
my design was belongingness – how I cherish and value this word. How I fought
for it, and gave, and searched, and longed for it. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s
the world, or the destiny, or an ironic, cruel God. But at the end of the road,
you have yourself, and your memories and feelings – be they as they be - , and
your own life, and your own words, and it should be enough, shouldn’t it?
Memory is my identity, and perhaps my true sanctuary, and my home. This is what I take with me and this is what some of us only have. And acceptance, without strings attached, for my own life and for the others. In order to give peace a chance, you need to embrace it all. To all the insanities of the human mind and soul, to all the coldness and the blindness, to all the superficiality, to all that burning pain that you either learn to live with it or you die by it, to all the unseen and unrecognized kindness.
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