Breathe in ...

I was walking home this week when I saw a lorry with a German message on it. I felt in that moment how much I miss that country, how much I want to go back, walking on river banks, staying and reading in a park, or even rushing to a seminar where I felt so small. I miss the peace and the safety of that place. I miss the connection, the tranquility, even the language. I miss the feeling of home.

I walk and run every day in my city, and I see how blocks of flats are rising from places that you wouldn’t imagine, without people thinking of architecture, of how this mixture of new flats is seen … I see more greyness, less greenness. And I remember of those terraced houses with little gardens in Germany, of its architecture, of the way neighbourhoods were kept and build. I rush and walk in here, where thoughts, memories, pain, dreams are mixed together, behind icy walls. I forget to look inside myself until an image, a thought, a word reminds me of what I want, of how much I miss writing, and reading good books, and living without being stuck in meaningless routines, in wor(l)ds of the past that keep on hurting and chaining me.

I do love children, and I do want to have one of my own. Not to have an offspring, not because it is the goal of my life (a kid can’t be that), but to raise him/her and to shape a better, free person. I don’t know if this child will ever appear in my life, but I know that I do not want my kid to grow in a country where you can be pushed in front of trams, or subways, in a country where there are no laws, where I would be terrified of his/her safety, or where corruption is everywhere.

I don’t know where my country, this world is going. I don’t know where I am going. As I said in the previous post, I miss so many things, from people to places, from memories to dreams, and I just want to flee from this cage, from these nets, and be able to breathe.