Craciunul celor fericiti

Am invatat sa imi displaca normele sociale, sa apreciez mai mult (putinii) oameni neconventionali, sa ma strecor in marea majoritate a timpului de intrebari si remarci care nu isi au locul, si spuse de oameni la care tii, da, ranesc.

Nu si de Craciun. Acest Craciun a fost despre zapada, mult asteptatul timp liber si hibernare, nevoia de a-ti lasa mintea sa se odihneasca, si de a accepta pierderile din acest an. Sau am incercat sa fie astfel. Primul concediu dupa ani in care concediul a fost folosit pentru studii interminabile. 

Craciunul mai poate insemna insa si depresie si anularea tuturor lucrurilor pe care le-ai facut. De la poze trimise fara a fi cerute cu familia altora, afisand zambete largi si copii cuminti/care si-au intrecut deja parintii in inaltime, retele sociale inundate cu mesaje binecunoscute, poze peste poze cu mese imbelsugate, alaturi de oameni numerosi si zambitori. Sau intrebari, comentarii, si chiar si recenzii la filme cu remarci nepotrivite, care te fac sa te intrebi ce ai facut cu viata ta, ce ai obtinut, ce cauti aici, ce fel de oaie neagra esti in toata marea asta de fericire, a tuturor. 

Fericirea (cuvant pe care ezit sa il folosesc) a devenit comerciala, de fatada, in aceasta perioada. Normele sociale spun ca Craciunul inseamna familie. Nu conteaza cat de fericit esti in sanul acelei familii, in 2, in 3, in 4, in 10, cati oameni or incapea in acest cuvant, cat de mizerabil te simti cu acel om/acei oameni, cat de incompatibil esti. Important este sa nu petreci Craciunul (si Revelionul) singur, a nu fi a cincea roata de la caruta, a nu fi un ateu in fata Fericirii/acelui Togetherness adus de Craciun. 

Far from any Road

“Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

And by now, you should've somehow realised what you gotta do…”

No, I haven't. … and every Christmas, white or not, and every birthday, dreaming of being somewhere else and leaving the past behind, dreaming of someone else’s Christmases, and birthdays. Not this year. Maybe because it was a hell of a year (or years), maybe of all the mechanisms that I have been building, maybe because people taught me to stop talking about my own feelings, maybe, when you get too tired, too old, maybe then, acceptance becomes part of yourself.

Succession: (In)Humanity, Family and Power

 There are a few TV series that go beyond the (American) cliches that you can find on television, that you watch not to be entertained when you want to stop thinking, but for their art, their actors, their cinematographic majesty, their stories. And here, only to name a few, I think of Fargo, Mad Men, House of Cards, Boardwalk Empire, Mindhunter, The Young Pope/The New Pope. And of course, Succession.

Winner of 9 Emmys (so far), Succession did not catch me from its first episode: too long, with a theme that seemed not to be original, with a vocabulary related to the business field, definitely not the type of series that you want after a long day, where you just want to unplug your brain. But after 2-3 episodes, it became the only series that I had watched for a while: for its actors, its music, its humour mixed with the torment, the drama, and all the words unsaid, for its twists and finale episodes of each series.

I don’t think there is one single good character in this series, all of them are fucked up, mere images of evilness. And somehow, during all the episodes, you get to pity them, to understand them, to see glimpses of their humanity, and of why they become who they are today. How much parents influence us, how much of who they are become impregnated into our subconscious, why power and money become so important for some, more than your own family, so that at the end of the day, “family” becomes just a simple utterance, void of all its meaning. 

Lo/Hi

 "Let me be and let me live." (James Joyce, Ulysses)

 - the simplest, the most minimalistic statement, that encloses in it the torment & avalanche of one's life feelings. - 

171.

 Life is unfair. Not death. We all have to die in the end, but nobody should die alone, should live in solitude his/her last years, should be so damn alone in his/her old age, after a life surrounded by people. People that you loved, you helped, you laughed with, you took care of. And nothing in the world should be more important in times of need. And human’s pride, stupidity, the thirst for revenge and wealth... this is nerve-wracking.