"So maybe tomorrowI'll find my way home..."
2020 was the first year when I really wrote some resolutions. It will probably be also the last one. It has been the year that made me numb, and this time, this numbness hasn’t been something bad, but a mechanism to cope with reality, a weapon to defend myself.
I don’t know why people keep on
searching for new beginnings, why they keep on trying to blame a year, or a
divinity, for the problems that we have caused, from global warming to
pandemics, from floods to rainforest fires. We, humanity, are to be blamed, and
unfortunately, I do believe that this year was only the beginning, that there
are too many humans that cannot go beyond them, that are utterly blind, and can’t
see how much damage we have done here.
2020 was a year of defeat, and
acceptance for me, a year in which I had to put my weapons down, take a break
from dreaming, and embracing the things which I once ran away from … protecting
others, and leadership. It was the year that reminded me of a sentence from John
Fowles, The Collector, in which it is said to let Life decide for you,
and you be just its spectator, let Life/Destiny take control over you. I have
always been against this, fighting with all my being for what I wanted to
achieve, but this year I felt exactly as Fowles said, having no control anymore.
It was also the year in which I felt on my skin that memories that hurt and the things I wish every year, in December, mean nothing in front of the fear of
losing dear ones. It was a year of Loss, but with small good things.
Maybe tomorrow, numbness won’t be
needed anymore. Maybe it will melt away and the clocks will start ticking once more.
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