There has always been a skipped beat between my mind and my heart, on a real, body level, and on a metaphorical one; one keeps moving, thinking, working, creating and destroying, building bridges, the other one tries to keep up with the former one. And sometimes, it barely succeeds. It has always been a search for the perfect symmetry between these two, it has always been hard to find the right people, to find someone who really understands what I am doing, what I am, and maybe more importantly, why I do it.
Maybe I should have been a doctor, using this burst of energy and insanity to save lives …but I would like to think that we, as teachers, if we don’t save lives, at least we shape them. Not all of them can be saved. Or want to be saved. … You meet day by day glimpses of yourself, mirrors of what you would have been, or mirrors of inner selves, mirrors that are very close to your soul or, on the contrary, who are very far of who you are. But you always see the human being – naked, vulnerable, shaped by the environment, by the parent, by us, by their inner, complex mechanism… Because this is who I am, seeing the soul behind the mask, the shell.
I try to make a difference day by day. Sometimes, like today, I wish my brain would stop whispering and going into all the directions and let me rest. Do you know that feeling, when you hear all the sounds around you, like you are caught in a bubble of sounds and noise, but somehow, paradoxically, you cannot reach them, because of tiredness, because of being too far away, because your day was way too different from those noises? …
You close your eyes and you try to breathe. You hear the beatings and the knockings and you try to count them, but you can’t. This week three people told me that I was not made to stay in one place. Not created to settle, added a dear old friend and teacher, but having to find my own tune … and I keep trying to find that note, that missing beat between heart and mind …
Who will save me from myself?
No comments:
Post a Comment