Friendship. Comment faire rimer "amour" avec "toujours"?

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me...

Someone told me long time ago the following words: Every human being can be replaced with another one. If you understand this, you shall be ok. My heart couldn’t agree with her, although my mind, my reason has been telling me that she’s right. Every human being that I love has his/her own corner in my heart, every human being that I love and hits me bombs his/her corner of my heart. If I met this person now and if I wanted to be sincere with her, I would tell her this: Every human being CANNOT be replaced with another one. And because of this philosophy, sometimes I am K.O.

If you listen to me, if you want to make love rhyme with everyday, things shall not be ok. It shall hurt so much that sometimes you would want to die; you would cry, fall, and you shall not trust too easily other human beings. In fact, it is possible that you shall never trust anyone. A part from you, from your heart, shall die. You will feel bitterness, angriness, fire. But if you find the right persons, if these persons won’t hurt you and accept you as a whole, with your good parts and bad parts, you shall find happiness, power, will to live, meaning. So what do you say? The first road gives you safety, protection, hope. My road can lead to heaven or hell, it is not safe, it is based on the trust that you must invest in the outside world, it can fill you with energy or it can destroy you, wanting to hug loneliness forever.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. ..

To talk about me, I’ve met two different persons to which I offered two corners of my heart. The first one has always taught me the value of ambition, of life, of independency. After five years, I feel safe in this friendship. I’m moving on in my road, in my writing, in my studies because of her trust in me. She taught me to want more, to never give up, to accept challenges, and she is in charge with my Inhuman part from me – the one that never shuts up, the one that is too scared to speak, the one that wants to make a difference.

Human is a child, warmth, fragile, sometimes violent, hidden deep in my being. I gave this other part of me to another person. James Joyce told somewhere: “I gave others my pride and joy. To you I give my sin, my folly, my weakness and sadness.” This second person taught me to value more the human part in any persons, taught my Human-part to speak, to express itself, to feel. From happiness to bitterness.

I have no idea what I can offer to these two persons, to express to them the value that friendship has in my life, to make them feel how much I need them. Every day.

Now I'm old and feeling grey...

Today I met with the past. And it was safe, loving, nice. Too short. Today, although things cracked yesterday inside of me, I was feeling energy in a corner of my heart. It made me see more, accept more, want more. I am not ok. Actually, I guess I’m a little K.O. I miss happiness, I miss Me trusting Me, I missed hugs, I miss action.

So dear God, or you/she/he/anyone, anything, if you think I deserve it, give me a ray of happiness in my life.