Hush! Don’t you talk, don’t you say a word. The world isn’t using words after midnight, just whispers behind locked doors, just tip-toes behind those frozen walls.
The light is off and nobody is here except us and our ghosts. Take a sit. No, not tonight, no more fights between us now, no more chess, no more swimming, no more building silence. You don’t let me talk and you have taken the best decision, I know, so tonight I shall talk with you, because I really NEED to talk right now.
Who am I, my dear old friend? I am just a person in this entire world, who is having her life at a certain time, in a certain space. I love many things and I give love and protection to all the beings who means something to me. I used to believe in humans, in this world, in family, in goals. I used to laugh with all my heart and run and jump. It didn’t matter that sometimes my knees were injures, I was having energy and I was happy. Because people were here, and do you remember that back then we were one? Because I thought that people understand my feelings and see me as I am, with my good and my bad, and will always be here to encourage me. But they didn’t see, they didn’t feel me, and they criticized. But because of you, I went on.
Do you know why I hate you so much? Because there are moments when I feel that the white page is the best friend that I have. And this is because of you, because even now, I use your hands to bleed. On a white page. But I love you too, for your strength, for what you have been doing for me these months, for staying with me, now, and then, for giving me your energy … yes, I know, people don’t know me. They only see you. and today, when trains hit me with all their force, my own energy is dead. I am leaning on you, although we fight every night… no, don’t speak now, just listen. Because I have always needed to talk. And you were the only one who listened. So old friend, LIFE, I want to talk you about LIFE. And hybris. What means Life? And now, just let me go behind walls and just let me be myself, pure, vulnerable, hit, lost, just let me go behind your line. Will you be so kind to let me do this?
Life means ABANDONMENT. People abandon their goals one by one, saying to themselves that they cannot do it, people let time and happiness (oh, yes, happiness, you heard me well) steal their dreams. People love. In their bizarre way. But they abandon even the things that they adore. They have problems and run in themselves, they meet new people, new days, they leave the past behind. They abandon friends in their illusion of living, and they create their own world. Family. The place where the word abandonment shouldn’t exist. But it is here, and it hits the innocent ones. Because people are always selfish and ignore the ones around them. When was the last time when they looked at us? They have their own universe and they think everyone wants what they want, they think that creating a human being is the end of all problems. How much can we know our kid, how much pain can we give to him, how deep wounds can we cause him?... Abandonment. Central word here, epitome for everything. Goals, friends, family, pets, us.
People let themselves swallowed by … people. They give up to what they are, to their values, to their principles for others, they forget themselves and change them, running from their Ego until they reach a line … and when they reach it, they find pain. But I bet they will forget it, because they shall have other things to abandon too…
They gravitate around their own Ego. Selfish beings. They don’t see the ones around them, as I have probably said before, and are superficial, SO SUPERFICIAL and IGNORANT! They go on from one moment to another, they don’t care, they want to be happy. And happy is a simple word in the human word: have a house, get married, have kids, have a good income. That’s all. Aren’t we simple? And you want more … what do you want more? Why don’t you want happiness and why do you … no, actually I am scared. Of your being, of differences …
We paint our world and we want to fill the emptiness from ourselves, we fight and protect our values, our dear ones, but every new day can bring another good-bye to noise, every new day and event assures us that no one escapes destiny and in this night and in these tears, you hear silence. No words, no gestures, no understanding. Just silence. Do you hear it too? Frozen walls, where this silence is so noisy.
The world has so many colors and still the world can be so tiny for some people. You like this word, don’t you? Tiny … tiny gestures, tiny beings, tiny feelings … hush tonight, because tonight I am not judging you and I am not fighting with you. because you are right and you are the only thing, or person that I have, how sad it may sound, how defeating it may be. You are right.
The world is chaos. Empty places with empty feelings, joy of moments, illusions of life. Tonight I just want somebody to be here, next to me, and talk. About life. A tiny word, just 4 letters, with a huge meaning. What you give, what you value, what they see, what is here in you?
Who are we? We have goals. Life hit, you screamed, goals remained, and one small wall arose. You hit so strong abandonment … we shall not abandon dear ones, we shall not abandon what we are, even if the Silence is so deep. Ignorance, superficiality, blindness, ephemeral relations, NO. But we live in a society and the world hit me. And the ones that I love hit me. And you stopped me ... do you remember how you stopped me that day, several years ago, when you whispered near my ear “I have so many things to offer”? Do you remember this March, in that park, when I was so insane, when I was so open and hurt and I thought even you aren’t Real, when I just wanted an End? You made me stay in coldness for more than 3 hours, doing nothing, just watching how people run from cold, how we stay, how the wind is blowing and it is snowing, like the tears that they were running in my soul, and you made me look at the branch of trees, going up, and up, trying to reach the sky? And you sat near me, as you sit tonight, and touched my shoulder and said: “This Silence and this Coldness is you. And it isn’t so bad, is it?”
... There is a broken part here. And a broken part down, and a broken here, and a broken part there. Like a mirror who had fallen, I am broken into pieces and the only thing that I can do now and forever is to hide what you know, what you feel, what deep inside you are. Cause this is what I am, and this is what you protect. A broken being, caught in a hybris.
No dance tonight. No chess. I love this world and I love its colors. Not the sound of nature, not the sound of water. Just the world with its people in which I believe like a child. Child … funny word to use it for me … no, not now please, not in this moment, please let me finish, Memory can wait … I believe in a better us, in openings and in seeing Life, in valuing it and in sharing ourselves. I believe in people that don’t betray, I believe in hands that lift us up, in hands that are here to catch. I believe that we can live for making this place a better place. But you see, the world isn’t quite this, the world isn’t you. and here comes our hybris, my dear old friend. The world is mean, lives without living, pray without believing, love without seeing, speak without hearing, the world is blind and empty, and full of goals, illusionary, empty goals, in which the cult of I exist. The world is a jungle and they are all the same and here are us, you and me, one being … you love it, the world, you love it, and you want to show what you see, but you know as you have always seen and as I have always hoped that you are wrong, that you cannot be part of it, that you shall not accept superficiality and you shall fight and give yourself to it … don’t be part of it, but offer your life for it. How sad, how ironic, how meaningless for us is this?
I was Joy. Now I am Sadness. Now I am Pain. Because of you. and because of me. I wished so many things, but I am now just a walking shadow … I wish you can close me up and be here, with your arms open, because I need you now more than ever. You don’t have wounds, because you don’t have a flesh. I do have and this new wound is still open and it still hurts me. Knife cutting me so deep, vulnerability and need for talking, and need for words and need for gestures. Do please keep your promise. I shall walk on your steps and I shall follow you, I shall try not to cry and be alive for you, accepting your strength, your hopes. Again, all of ME is broken. For two months, you shall be in charge, and you shall feel, and top of all think. Don’t let pain get near me more than it has already done. Let me lean and let us slowly walk … but after these months, you shall let me fall, and we shall both rest, on a green field, dreaming at a better world ...
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