Today, is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you, by now you should’ve somehow realized what you gotta do … Well, that’s the problem. I have no damn idea what I am going to do with my life. I have no idea what is going to happen in the future. I have no idea if I can escape destiny/myself/routine and all the things that I have so stubbornly (and foolishly?) fought against for 27 years.
I once awoke on a blank page. I blew the Earth apart and flew away. I then visited history, in search of inspiration – went in the ancient Egypt in search for a true love, or among the ruins of Hiroshima, I even sunk myself into water, going down in my soul, trying to find the meaning of life. And I sunk so deep that I couldn’t write anything, finish a single page, going down and down in fear and low self-esteem and burying myself in … books. Remorse. Self-accusations. Memories. And “too stupid to do it”.
Several nights ago I dreamt the Void. My future. I dreamt it and I lost myself in it. Like sinking in deep water, unable to grasp anyone, anything, choking, unable to breathe. And going down, and down, losing every piece of dream, every piece of me, every thing and every being that I want. Barrenness. Emptiness. Loneliness. I dreamt my world without stability, without my people, without me.
Godless, absurd, meaningless world, as it is our everyday lives … Life is struggle and life is a continuous fight, but still … what if such dreams came true?
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