Marching On

I have been waiting for this trip for such a long time. Finally, I’m here, near my mountain, near water, caves, forest, near myself. I love nature and all its loneliness, because in it, I feel me, God, or simply deep inside I feel a Meaning to all this meaningless of Life. I’m happy in nature. Do you know this kind of Happiness? Not the happiness brought by a success, or by a meeting, not the happiness of a hug, a kiss, a word or a gesture, but the happiness inside me, that energy that screams inside myself and to all the dear persons: NEVER give up. Happiness is overrated, true, but Unhappiness shouldn’t steal us from our own Life. Smile in Unhappiness and wait for the rain to come in a long and dry season. Or wait for the snowflakes to fall one by one in your palm, offering you a piece of this kind of happiness.

I needed to be here, to see this, to feel this, to walk, to let thoughts fall one by one, and to join all the broken parts from me. In all these months, I have been more appropriated of that destructive “I” and I was at two steps to fall really bad.

Air, mountain, freedom, peace. Breathe in, breathe out, jump, fall, move on. Cry, be hurt, smile. Life is too short to let bad moments, ignorant people, people that we dislike, hate, or people who are hurting us kill our days, weeks, months. And these months, I wasn’t alive. I got tired to be strong, I was screaming for people to see me, I wanted to stop. Soul and body tired. And here, now, my soul, my energy is wide awake. Although I’m here with four more people, although I have to speak and take care, as I always had to, I’m alone. People are so different from me, people don’t see or hear what I see, hear, feel here; they don’t understand my silence, my need of walking, they interpret me as they want and can, and I don’t want to correct them. Now I stopped inside myself, now I touch the kid – vulnerable, whimsical, needing people, hurt, always hiding behind masks, memories and years, unable to die, unable to move on, the I that is a fighter, the I that is a coward, the I that wants tranquility, peace, happiness, the I that has goals, wants freedom, Life, a difference, the I that destroys me and the I that saves me, the Human with all its warmth and the Inhumanity with all its walls and coldness, the I that protects everyone, the selfish I, and so on. Too many “I”s and ghost, I know.

I feel, I think. Me, God, nature, silence, loneliness. The silence and the loneliness that I love, the silence which is cold and warmth at the same time, which protects me, the mountain with its forest, its everlasting STABILITY, never changing, always being here, massive, strong, and still protective, silent, offering you rays of sun if you manage to get there, on the top of it. So here, but especially there, on top of that hugest mountain, I feel safe, so safe, so protected …

The first thing that I felt there was Tiredness. The first thing that I did was sleeping. Heavy, without dreams. Sounds, memories, couldn’t touch me then. I felt like I was sinking into a purifying water, washing myself from all my sins, all that I saw, felt, washing all my wounds, washing sadness, BREATHING. Do you know Dante’s book? In the last one, when he arrives in Paradise, he washes himself from all his sins and trips and walks into Heaven to see all those circles. In this sleep, in those walks, I felt more or less like him. Everything has a Meaning, or we can find a meaning … I fall There in March, by feeling so close to my heart Death, I couldn’t enjoy any victory because day after day, I was in pain, and I was so afraid that this pain would change me. So I screamed. Now, in August, I saw Death and I moved on, not touching, not speaking, just driving near it, looking into its eyes, feeling no fear, feeling it at the same time as a friend and as an enemy, and going back into Life. And here, I feel Freedom and Peace, Safety, I feel Loneliness from which I don’t run, I don’t cry, but I hug her, because you see, all this Inhumanity has more Humanity than the warmest thing from this world.

So, where do you want to go from here? ... Every breathing, every beat, every sound that comes from the outside, every step, every small memory of happiness from the present or from the past, every drop of rain that you catch in your palms, every snowflake that touches us, should remind us:

Who are we? Really, deep, without masks, feelings to others, in selfishness and love.

Life is short. If we give up to us, to our dreams, goals, or our independency, if we sink into unhappiness and forgot to smile, there shall came a day when we shall search for ourselves and we shall be unable to say “I lived my life, I existed for myself and for the others, I have done all the things that I wanted to do, I’m not a common existence, born only to be born, I’ve said all the things that I wanted to say and I saw all the things that I wanted to see, I met all the people that I wanted to meet, I LIVED. 20,30, 40, 50 or 100 years old, but I LIVED these years.”

So all that we can do - in happiness, in sadness, in joy, loneliness, silence or noise - is to remember us and to march on.