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December 29, 2021

Craciunul celor fericiti

Am invatat sa imi displaca normele sociale, sa apreciez mai mult (putinii) oameni neconventionali, sa ma strecor in marea majoritate a timpului de intrebari si remarci care nu isi au locul, si spuse de oameni la care tii, da, ranesc.

Nu si de Craciun. Acest Craciun a fost despre zapada, mult asteptatul timp liber si hibernare, nevoia de a-ti lasa mintea sa se odihneasca, si de a accepta pierderile din acest an. Sau am incercat sa fie astfel. Primul concediu dupa ani in care concediul a fost folosit pentru studii interminabile. 

Craciunul mai poate insemna insa si depresie si anularea tuturor lucrurilor pe care le-ai facut. De la poze trimise fara a fi cerute cu familia altora, afisand zambete largi si copii cuminti/care si-au intrecut deja parintii in inaltime, retele sociale inundate cu mesaje binecunoscute, poze peste poze cu mese imbelsugate, alaturi de oameni numerosi si zambitori. Sau intrebari, comentarii, si chiar si recenzii la filme cu remarci nepotrivite, care te fac sa te intrebi ce ai facut cu viata ta, ce ai obtinut, ce cauti aici, ce fel de oaie neagra esti in toata marea asta de fericire, a tuturor. 

Fericirea (cuvant pe care ezit sa il folosesc) a devenit comerciala, de fatada, in aceasta perioada. Normele sociale spun ca Craciunul inseamna familie. Nu conteaza cat de fericit esti in sanul acelei familii, in 2, in 3, in 4, in 10, cati oameni or incapea in acest cuvant, cat de mizerabil te simti cu acel om/acei oameni, cat de incompatibil esti. Important este sa nu petreci Craciunul (si Revelionul) singur, a nu fi a cincea roata de la caruta, a nu fi un ateu in fata Fericirii/acelui Togetherness adus de Craciun. 

December 26, 2021

Far from any Road

“Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

And by now, you should've somehow realised what you gotta do…”


No, I haven't. … and every Christmas, white or not, and every birthday, dreaming of being somewhere else and leaving the past behind, dreaming of someone else’s Christmases, and birthdays. Not this year. Maybe because it was a hell of a year (or years), maybe of all the mechanisms that I have been building, maybe because people taught me to stop talking about my own feelings, maybe, when you get too tired, too old, maybe then, acceptance becomes part of yourself.



December 20, 2021

Succession: (In)Humanity, Family and Power

 There are a few TV series that go beyond the (American) cliches that you can find on television, that you watch not to be entertained when you want to stop thinking, but for their art, their actors, their cinematographic majesty, their stories. And here, only to name a few, I think of Fargo, Mad Men, House of Cards, Boardwalk Empire, Mindhunter, The Young Pope/The New Pope. And of course, Succession.

Winner of 9 Emmys (so far), Succession did not catch me from its first episode: too long, with a theme that seemed not to be original, with a vocabulary related to the business field, definitely not the type of series that you want after a long day, where you just want to unplug your brain. But after 2-3 episodes, it became the only series that I had watched for a while: for its actors, its music, its humour mixed with the torment, the drama, and all the words unsaid, for its twists and finale episodes of each series.

I don’t think there is one single good character in this series, all of them are fucked up, mere images of evilness. And somehow, during all the episodes, you get to pity them, to understand them, to see glimpses of their humanity, and of why they become who they are today. How much parents influence us, how much of who they are become impregnated into our subconscious, why power and money become so important for some, more than your own family, so that at the end of the day, “family” becomes just a simple utterance, void of all its meaning. 



December 19, 2021

Lo/Hi


 "Let me be and let me live." (James Joyce, Ulysses)

 - the simplest, the most minimalistic statement, that encloses in it the torment & avalanche of one's life feelings. - 






December 8, 2021

171.

 Life is unfair. Not death. We all have to die in the end, but nobody should die alone, should live in solitude his/her last years, should be so damn alone in his/her old age, after a life surrounded by people. People that you loved, you helped, you laughed with, you took care of. And nothing in the world should be more important in times of need. And human’s pride, stupidity, the thirst for revenge and wealth... this is nerve-wracking.


November 30, 2021

Rădăcini

 ,,Cei care râvnesc la un loc sunt bântuiți de lăcomie, cei care bâjbie prin timp sunt arși de dor...” (Nora Iuga)

Am dat astăzi de acest rând care descrie cel mai bine starea de acum. Am înotat atât de mult în sens opus rădăcinilor că nici nu mai știu de când am început. Se spune că atunci când ești la final, îți revezi viața prin fața ochilor. Cam așa se întâmplă când pierzi pe cineva care a contat... ești prins în altceva și brusc te trezești bâjbâind prin timp, amintindu-ți plimbări lungi, verande vechi, și frânturi de cuvinte.

Am zis de atâtea ori nu mai pot în ultimul timp că nici eu nu mă mai cred. Cazi, te ridici, te târâi, cazi din nou, iar te ridici. Pe pilot automat. Până te simți sugrumat de toate rădăcinile care te-nconjoară, tras înapoi, încercând să găsești o fărâmă de coerență. Și de speranță. 

November 14, 2021

Nora Iuga & ....

Cred că orașul meu preferat din România este Sibiul, oraș neîmânzit de amintiri, dar de care îmi e dor. A o citi pe Nora Iuga în Hipodrom e ca și cum m-aș plimba prin Hermannstadt, a lăsa frâu liber gândurilor, fără a le mai împărți în rațional și irațional/nebunie. Nora A și Nora B.

Sunt atâtea întoarceri și reîntoarceri în noi înșine. Atâtea constante, disocieri și labirinturi. Atâta nevoie de liniște pentru a ne auzi și atâta zgomot în noi înșine. În această întoarcere, nu am putut să-l străbat pe Ivo Andronic în Cronica din Travnik, carte pe care am abandonat-o pentru moment, și am avut nevoie de a respira, de a regăsi acea parte din mine care rimează cu proza Norei – intimă, feminină, lirică, cursivă, directă, fără încărcări stilistice.

Mă obosește uneori lumea cu regulile ei rigide, în a cărui realitate mă simt ca-ntr-o colivie, și-n a cărui ordine nu mă regăsesc. Iar atunci când acel zgomot din interior devine prea asurzitor, închizi ochii și începi să te plimbi printr-un Sibiu care nu-ți aparține, încercând să lași tot acel haos din minte liber. Și așa, puțin câte puțin, începi să respiri. 


 

November 6, 2021

Natural Blues

 When you are always there for everyone, probably the most difficult part is to have patience with yourself. It's difficult to show your vulnerability to others (and your physical limits). It's more difficult to acknowledge this vulnerability to yourself. 





October 10, 2021

Joy

We die. That may be the meaning of life. But we do language. That may be the measure of our lives.”
Toni Morrison

De mult nu mi s-a mai făcut un chef nebun de a citi, de dor de Sabato, DeLillo, Cărtărescu, Auster, Iuga, și de a nu ști cu ce să începi... . Rămâne cheful nebun de a porni la drum, sentimentul acela pe care-l ai și pe care-l porți cu tine după ce îl citești și-l înțelegi pe Kerouac, dor de drumuri lungi și oameni altfel. Asta rămâne la capăt de drum lung și anevoios. Asta, și după ce începi să te dezmorțești din amorțeala extenuării fizice și psihice, rămâne acel sentiment de liniște ce nu poate fi tradus, nu neapărat că ai ajuns aici, ci pentru acea întâlnire cu tine însuți și acea parte din tine lăsată și pusă pe-o coală de hârtie.



August 11, 2021

The Ordinary

 All I have ever wanted was the ordinary. 

I close my eyes and I imagine a world away from the sound, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees and water. And close, real people. No phones, no noise, no world to be saved, no papers to be finished, no memories to keep you awake. Just silence. 

I open the eyes and hear the fury of life. Everlasting. The one that makes you want to smoke it all away, drink it till it disappears, numbing your feelings and conscience, drowning your own self, having the illusion that the next day it won't be there. Who cares of the fucking next day, if it can all go away for a couple of hours? Pretending to be a rock, when you are the one who needs to be caught. 

All I have ever wanted was the ordinary, the world behind closed eyes. 



August 9, 2021

164.

 There is a thunderstorm of words inside my mind, of dreams deferred, of what society has written for each of us and of how small and unaccomplished you feel for disobeying its rules, of feeling nothing but fear, and anger, and angst, and feeling your accomplishments, and battles so lost and insignificant. And still, you have to carry on, swimming on your own, as you are used to, not sinking deep into this huge wave you have no control over. 

July 18, 2021

Looking for the Summer...

 


“Forget about life for a while…” – these were the most beautiful words that I have read, on a street in Germany. There are many times when we let life govern us, succumbing into its greatness and abysses, colours and greyness, complexity and simplicity, and hours/days, when we forget about life for a while.

Life means struggle and memories. And traumas, and finding oneself, reinventing oneself, and moving on. Of being aware that you are not the only one who suffers, of learning how to survive, and live, with those deep wounds, and not letting them reflect on the way you treat people, of not repeating ancient stories. Because I really believe when you really give up on yourself, and your dreams, indeed you are old and lost. Life is fever and thirst.

Life sometimes means avalanches – of events, of painful memories, of things that you simply can’t control. Right now, this is what Life means to me, of moving on, of keeping my sanity in all this insane world. And as it rarely happens, there are those moments when you forget all about life, and paradoxically, in those moments you return to yourself, to a part of what Life could mean, and find energy for its avalanches and the unavoidable.


   

June 26, 2021

Carpe Diem

"Well, I may have some doubts
But I hold the shovel tight
Digging into the frozen ground"

Dincolo de filozofii, teorii ale cunoasterii, ani de studiu si tot ceea ce ne face sa crestem intelectual, cred ca suntem definiti prin genele pe care le-am mostenit, amintirile instinctive cu care am venit aici, si mostenirea nostra ca popor. 

Cred ca indiferent cat s-ar vorbi, nu vom scapa niciodata de acele ,,atentii" care trebuie date la un eveniment mai important, de la sustineri de grad/doctorate la medici/oameni de care avem la un moment dat nevoie. Pentru ca dincolo de munca studentului/profesorului, nimic nu e mai important ca acea ,,mica atentie", ca acea masa pompoasa, pentru a incununa un anumit numar de ani de munca. 

Cred ca indiferent cat s-ar scrie, oricate studii s-ar realiza, oricat am suferi de la incalzirea globala (unii mai sensibili ca altii), noi ca popor tot nu vom avea cultura necesara de a face ceva concret pentru mediu. Sau daca chiar va aparea, posibil sa fie atunci mult prea tarziu. Sau, la fel, oricat de constienti am fi de felul in care viata se va schimba in urmatorii 20-30 de ani, tot vom avea instinctul de a aduce un copil pe lume, fara a ne gandi la anii ce-l/ne asteapta.

Cred ca mereu ne vom uita in ograda celuilalt: cu ce se imbraca, ce masina conduce, cu cine iese, ce face in zilele libere. Poate pentru ca viata nostra ni se pare prea fada, prea lipsita de sens, poate ca ne-am invatat cu niste repere sociale, si tot ceea ce e prea normal, sau prea diferit, e mereu ceva extraordinar. 

Cred ca indiferent cat am dori, mereu ne scapa ceva de aici, mereu nu vom putea avea tot ce ne dorim. Si mereu nu vom fi multumiti cu ceea ce avem, pana nu va fi prea tarziu. 



May 9, 2021

Underwater

Terrified by water, by change. Terrified of all the things that I see them coming, like a hurricane taking everything in its road, not being able to stop it. Terrified by all the “I”s that starve for a piece of freedom. And tired as hell of everything, just wanting to close my eyes and breathe, forgetting, escaping, somewhere far away, but right now having to learn to breathe underwater, feeling all the pressure from within. And the fear that this time it’s too much.  



March 28, 2021

Burnout

 

Feeling like every atom of my soul is aching, and every bone of my body is cracking. Trying to remember the latest holiday that I took, trying to glimpse the nearest (normal) holiday. Feeling like a phantom, yelling, without being heard. And in this state, even words seem to fade, to fail, to betray you.

February 24, 2021

Fear

All the things we fear to say. all the things we bury inside, too scared to show them. all the things that we become addicted to in order to escape ourselves. all the screaming that we push inside, all the memories that we fear, past, and future. all the tiredness and the numbness and the sadness that we feel today. 

"Fear of seeing a police car pull into the drive.Fear of falling asleep at night.
Fear of not falling asleep.
Fear of the past rising up.
Fear of the present taking flight.
Fear of the telephone that rings in the dead of night.
Fear of electrical storms.
Fear of the cleaning woman who has a spot on her cheek!
Fear of dogs I've been told won't bite.
Fear of anxiety!
Fear of having to identify the body of a dead friend.
Fear of running out of money.
Fear of having too much, though people will not believe this.
Fear of psychological profiles.
Fear of being late and fear of arriving before anyone else.
Fear of my children's handwriting on envelopes.
Fear they'll die before I do, and I'll feel guilty.
Fear of having to live with my mother in her old age, and mine.
Fear of confusion.
Fear this day will end on an unhappy note.
Fear of waking up to find you gone.
Fear of not loving and fear of not loving enough.
Fear that what I love will prove lethal to those I love.
Fear of death.
Fear of living too long.
Fear of death.

I've said that."

(Raymond Carver) 



January 8, 2021

Isn't it ironic?

 It's like daring to swim in the ocean, moving from one shore to another, this is how it feels. You give up so much, you endure so many things, you keep on swimming no matter the weather, the holidays, the wasted time, the emptiness in front of you. For nothing, in a quixotic quest, you keep on swimming, because ironically, this is what you were taught to do. And you finally see the other shore, but no matter how hard you try to move, every muscle, every limb, every beating of your heart says no more. And the harder you fight it, the more the water pulls you in, seeing while you drown in that deserted land, that you have been trying so hard to reach it. 

Bird set free

„Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.” (Daniel Klein) You see, I’ve had a design, and I don’t know where I did wrong. ...