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December 31, 2020

Maybe Tomorrow

"So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home..."

 2020 was the first year when I really wrote some resolutions. It will probably be also the last one. It has been the year that made me numb, and this time, this numbness hasn’t been something bad, but a mechanism to cope with reality, a weapon to defend myself.

I don’t know why people keep on searching for new beginnings, why they keep on trying to blame a year, or a divinity, for the problems that we have caused, from global warming to pandemics, from floods to rainforest fires. We, humanity, are to be blamed, and unfortunately, I do believe that this year was only the beginning, that there are too many humans that cannot go beyond them, that are utterly blind, and can’t see how much damage we have done here.   

2020 was a year of defeat, and acceptance for me, a year in which I had to put my weapons down, take a break from dreaming, and embracing the things which I once ran away from … protecting others, and leadership. It was the year that reminded me of a sentence from John Fowles, The Collector, in which it is said to let Life decide for you, and you be just its spectator, let Life/Destiny take control over you. I have always been against this, fighting with all my being for what I wanted to achieve, but this year I felt exactly as Fowles said, having no control anymore. It was also the year in which I felt on my skin that memories that hurt and the things I wish every year, in December, mean nothing in front of the fear of losing dear ones. It was a year of Loss, but with small good things.

Maybe tomorrow, numbness won’t be needed anymore. Maybe it will melt away and the clocks will start ticking once more.  



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