Why do we feel so good in nature? In its silence, in the wind, in the cold, in its perfection.
We try to search for ourselves. In people, thoughts, nature. We sit down and look inside of us and hear voices, struggling to escape, struggling to win. We realize out of a sudden, in the arms of nature, how lonely we are and we look around. People are absent. People run in front of silence, in front of this coldness of pain. And coldness hits us so strong, in our souls, in our bodies. And we look around, human and inhuman, we look around. "I wish ..." and see nature. And you remember how much you wanted to go in nature, to escape from this fall, to find your energy ... and you look around, and open your eyes wide. Open them wide! Emptiness. Loneliness. Coldness. Wind screaming to .... People who run from all these. Snow, gentle, gentle, fallind down, like tears that don't want to stop. Rain washing away, or at least trying to wash away, memories. And suddenly you look around and you SEE the lanscape and FEEL the weather. And you cannot move from here. In spite of coldness, and emptiness and loneliness and fear. And you know this view.
I am playing with Life. I disobeyed saint things and I said it loud and clear “I don’t believe in destiny.” I haven't followed God's instructions, and I haven't accepted a role in a society. So God-games began. Because the strongest man of all, according to Cioran, is the one who loves no one.
I disregard my own feelings. Hybris – I can live with it. I can say NO to all human things, and L.O.V.E – just another word that I’ve never learned to pronounce. And never felt. I can go on my road without any help. Because of that voice, inner, deep, saying go on. EVERYTHING OR NOTHING. Fight.
I shut up and I was here. I turned mountains into seas, I used Words to build up Silence, I played God to protect, I have always been blind to tiny human things …. Because life was so strong in me, because LIFE, with every hit, made me thirsty of it, made me thirsty of my own destruction, made me wanting MORE. SO I kept on dancing. Is is past, is it present?
But one day you feel arms around you. And you feel that humanity deserves another chance, here, in my heart, here, on this planet. And you hear and feel that hug forever
“don’t be afraid of failure, but never forget to succeed”.
And you go on, believing. And you feel again, after years, protected. And you want to protect and you want to kill in the ones that you dare to love the silence and the pain that is so deep in you.
Strongness, God, Life, Eternity and Words.When no one is here, when no one listens, when no one understands, what shall I do? What weapons do I have?
“You have asked me what I would do and what I would not do. I will tell you what I will do and what I will not do. I will not serve that in which I no longer believe, whether it call itself my home, my fatherland or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can, and as wholly as I can, using for my defence the only arms I allow myself to use . . . SILENCE, EXILE and CUNNING."
Till one day, one day like any other day, when God takes you in His arms and whispers near your ear: “Tick-tock, tick-tock. Here I am. You played too much, you said too many times “NO”, you killed too many feelings, you wanted too much, you believed too much. In humanity, in Good, in Life. Tick-tock, tick-tock – FEEL it now, FEEL it in you, FEEL it deep, under your skin. Tick-tock. Hear it; is it hurting? Step on time, step on memories, step on every tick and tock that you didn’t listen. Breathe … why don’t you breathe now? Why don’t you dance now? Cause in all your games, you forgot one thing: ME.”
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We are all humans. Here, there. We are all made of flesh and bones. We love life, we hate it, we feel or we don’t. We trust, we’re hurt, we need people, we need memories, we need days and stepping stones. People build us, people destroy us, people give love, people give a definition to Life. They make it fair, they make it unfair. Not God. Full stop. But ... we look back, we realize … we cannot escape Supremacy in all our fights. But we still got one Life. And I swallow my tears and my words again. And I defend again my beliefs. And I say NO, maybe for one last time. Cause it’s not fair. And I say loud and clear: EVERYTHING OR NOTHING.
